Jupiter, Queen of the planet

Ok folks, I’m back and I’m pissed. Again. I know it is award season – don’t bother me about that shit. Who cares? This post has nothing to do with the awards. Nor has it anything to do with any of the lousy movies I have watched, or tried to, recently, only to sink further into despair at the state of current cinema. Deadpool? Entertaining for its humor but ultimately forgettable. The Witch? Again, I won’t knock it for entertainment value – Black Phillip was great – but I do not expect to be thinking or talking about it five years from now (The Ring still darkens my soul and The Conjuring gives me shivers yet still…). About the only real feeling I have about the awards is (not my idea alert – stealing this idea from the vast pool of the online quasi-anonymous) that the awards should be scrapped in favor of a Hall of Fame style event where, after enough time has elapsed (5 year minimum), films are admitted to the Film Hall of Fame if they still, after the smell of puke and popcorn has long faded, bear relevance, excite or inspire, or in some other way still feel significant and award worthy.

Anyway, on to the main event. I finally got around to seeing Jupiter Ascending tonight. Now I’m writing this fresh from my viewing, so pardon the hypocrisy – I’ll let you know in five years if I still feel the same way – but I am pissed. I am pissed because I had opportunities to see this film in the theater. I had opportunities to see it in 3D and/or IMAX and I didn’t. Why, I guess you might very well ask since you are still reading this rant, did I fail to take advantage of those opportunities? And why am I so pissed? And at whom? I am pissed at myself for listening to the near-unanimous voice of the internet tell me how lousy this film was. I am pissed at the critics and pissed at the bloggers and pissed at the IMDB and Youtube commenters but mostly I am pissed at myself. I cannot blame others for stating how they feel. But I can blame myself for sheepishly following along with the herd as we shied away from this original and intriguing production.

Jupiter Ascending movie poster

This film does indeed suck at times, so there’s that as consolation. It is not a great film, much less a perfect one, but I’m always a sucker for the “humans started elsewhere” and “earth is a farm/factory” sort of science “fiction” (maybe) that this film presents in such a spectacularly shiny sort of way [I refuse to use the word bling – fuck that.] Oh yeah, belated spoiler alert if you haven’t seen it yet. Sorry…

Once I realized that is what I was dealing with, I immediately became much more forgiving of the pile up of shit annoyances that were trying to get me to take the DVD out of the player and ship it back to Netflix pronto. The opening was confusing, but somehow not in a way that caught my puzzler’s mind and made me want to figure it out. It just made me want to not care. Then there are the chase scenes – have I mentioned in a previous post anywhere yet just how goddamn friggin much I detest chase scenes in modern films? (For some reason, older scenes do not bother me at all, such as the famous chase scene at the end of The French Connection or the flying chase scene in Capricorn One, which is actually an exciting scene to watch. But after 1980, something happened and certainly at this point in 2016, I do not want to see another goddamn chase scene in a movie ever – find another way to show your story filmmakers! Please.)

One thing I did like about this film, other than the aforementioned general storyline concept, is that the glamour reminded me in some way of older, German sci-fi films such as Metropolis. There is something about European aristocracy and science fiction that blend very well in my book. Blade Runner had that je ne sais quoi as well (and not much else, truthfully – an overrated spectacle if ever there was one IMHO).

So, in closing, fuck the Oscars, fuck the critics, fuck the internet, hey wait… Is it too late to give an award to Jupiter Ascending? Maybe best story or best visual appearance (is that a category? – I don’t really watch them if you haven’t figured that out yet.) I think it deserves at least a little praise to compensate for the mephitic treatment it has only partially earned.

I want those gravity boots.


  1. Forgot to mention I love that she cleans toilets for a living. A nice touch I thought.

  2. […] update some of my opinions. The Witch, in particular, is much better than I first believed. I wrote here that I did not expect to be talking about The Witch in five years. Well, it hasn’t been quite […]

  3. I found Jupiter Ascending a big let down. It could have been so much more.

    1. I agree that it is disappointing. I wrote positive things about it because I found some good in it where many said there was only garbage, but it did leave one wishing it was given those last few ounces of love that would have polished it off nicely. It is for me one of those films that exists better in the mind than on the screen.

      1. I too found one or two good things about the film. It’s just that it / they were outweighed by the not so great things: https://themoviemylife.com/2015/05/08/jupiter-ascending-2015
        Yes, the film is certainly best in the mind. 😊

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